An email I didn't send...
Things I saved from my note's app #5
Author’s note:
I don’t think I could rewrite the following piece even if I tried. If someone had told me it was a year since the original event occurred, I would say they were lying - it feels like so much more has passed. I can’t remember how soon this was written after, but all I remember feeling was immense pain and guilt, and I think the following describes it perfectly. I no longer feel that now. Some of the snippits are heavily edited and altered to make them loosely related. And I feel like it’s also the perfect true and raw ending for the posts interconnected like a story: Tears, Time and Memories. Each post came from a singular document I stumbled across titled: Things left unsaid.
This is now left for your enjoyment and for people to relate to. Enjoy :)
~ Cherry
I’m left with the reality that I’ll never see your face again, I’ll never hear your voice again. You asked me to let you go….and I tried. Each moment without you, I felt the pull towards you, to come find you - to confide in you once more. I tried to be strong for you ... .tried to respect your wishes ... .but how can I when every corner of my life is coated with memories of you? Every inch of this space has memories of your laughter, weaving through the silence like a lullaby, taunting me, sending another arrow to my heart. The shadows made by the moonlight seem to morph into the shape of you, reminding me of the love that filled the room, a love that now feels like a ghost of the past. The moment I try to reach out to the shadows of you, I feel you slipping through my fingertips once more, shattering at the slightest touch. I yearn to pick up the fragments, gluing them back together, but they fade like wisps of smoke, leaving me without you once again. You pulled me from the darkness I was drowning in when I met you, now the darkness all but pulls me back into its grasp, consuming me, feeding off of me. You were my light, now I’m left fighting for a sign from you, a way to reach you. But reality is cruel, I’m left silencing the screams of my heart, surviving each day by distractions. You said that one day we would move on, that time would heal our wounds, but what if the hole in my heart is too big to be healed? You promised me one day we would be happy, but how do I trust that when every breath I take reminds me of you? It’s like you have woven yourself into every fibre of my being. I know I have no one else to blame but myself, and that knowledge cuts deeper than any goodbye ever could.