Memories

Things I have saved from my note's app #4

I found that there were moments when my body was essentially on autopilot, routing itself to the nearest escape route or familiar places. I found that my nearest safe space was him. I would take the same turns, use the same pace and carry the same greed in my body to see him. Each time I would land in the middle of the stone steps, staring at the same indents in the wooden door. And each time he would sense I was there and greet me with a hug that whispered promises that everything would be okay - if not now, then someday. I would spend hours with him inside the safe space he created with me - bodies curled together on the couch with the candles in the background, my head on his shoulder, drifting off into a blissful sleep. But this didn’t last long.

I found myself in another moment in time where this reality shattered into pieces too small to fit back together. Where my body routed itself to his front door, but it was deadbolted. No matter how much I willed it to - it wouldn’t open. I sat in the rain on his steps. I had secrets piled up about my day to whisper to him. I returned day after day until the for sale sign was placed in his garden bed. The same one that I tried and failed to plant roses in. It was the first chance I got to reenter his house, and I hoped that he would be there. But as I turned the corner into your bedroom, I was met with a cold and empty room.

And then I found there were moments in time where my body was overcome with regret and sorrow, like that night that replays in the back of my mind. I had so many apologies at the forefront of my mind, wanting so badly to take back the words that escaped from my mouth. The 6 words that imploded my entire world: I think we should break up. I begged on my hands and knees, explaining that it was a lapse in my judgment. And now that I look back on it, I don’t blame him for walking out the door and vowing to never return.

There are moments in time where you lose pieces of yourself, moments in time you will cause more pain to yourself and moments in time when you inflict pain upon others. There will be moments in time where you can’t take these moments back; it will leave you screaming and sobbing, and make people walk out of your life. The most important thing to do is own your mistake and make attempts to move on without making the same one again.

Author’s note -
This is very loosely based on a true story. I did make a mistake. I do regret it. I lost someone close to me because of that mistake, and I have no one to blame but myself for it. It happens. I have nothing but well wishes for the person I hurt. I wish things had turned out differently, but alas, that is the way of life.